Can you help me improve these thesis statements?

1) Using the documents provided, evaluate the extent to which the Industrial Revolution negatively impacted the lives of women and children in industrial societies during the nineteenth century.

During the Industrial Revolution in the 19th century, there was a high demand of workers needed to keep factories running, and the need for all family members to get a job to earn enough money to survive. As a result, women and children are now going outside of their previous traditional roles as caretakers and students, respectively, and are working long hours. But because of the continuation of patriarchal norms, women are paid far less than their male counterparts who are doing the exact same task as them; and because of defining characteristic of a child’s body (such as having small fingers), children are seen as valuable employees instead of kids who should have fun and to go to school, so capitalists and factory owners put the youths in dangerous factory environments, where many children will end up injured. (aimed for thesis + contextualization here)

2) Using the documents provided, evaluate the causes of the rise of nationalism throughout the world during the period 1750-1900 CE.

The desired sense of belongingness that sparks from supporting people who you have a shared history with, in the people of a nation, shared desire to conquer new territories to help ‘primitive’ areas, and in Europe, unity was created from ideas of being the most dominating and powerful race. (were people defining themselves geographically a cause of nationalism or them carrying out the definition of nationalism?) (Aimed for thesis point only) (I mentioned something that was specific to Europe only in my thesis, is that okay? Or does that belong somewhere outside of the thesis?) (should a thesis for a causation question have three reasons separated by a comma?)

*) Using the documents, evaluate the extent to which Spanish colonial rule affected
indigenous populations in South America

Spanish colonial’s rule impacted indigenous populations in South America by enforcing the continuation of traditional labor systems (including encomienda and the Inca mita) with more coercion involved, as well as forcing them into a system of having to labor in exchange for protection and education, thus degrading the mental and physical health of the indigenous population, ultimately worsening their lifestyle.

So as theses go, they’re really not bad. They make a statement and point it in a direction. That said, none of them would get the contextualization point from me, but that’s mostly because I advise students to set up their contextualization 50-150 years prior to the time period you’ll be arguing. That kind of tees up your argument over all and leaves room for historically contextualizing your docs for Sourcing.

Thank you! I was only aiming for the contextualization point in the first thesis, but I think I see what your’e saying about being descriptive about the broader time period. If you don’t mind, could you also answer the questions I asked in the parenthesis :slight_smile:

Okie dokey, let’s take a look-see right here. Think of “Nationalism” as “Rabid patriotism to the detriment of those outside your patriotic state”

Bringing up stuff specific to Europe can work if that’s where you’re focusing your argument, however it’s important to read the question COMPLETELY, so while your Thesis can bring up Europe, you’d better make sure that the rest of the world comes into scope during your argument overall.

As far as causation grammar, I’d worry less about comma placement and more about argument construction. The CB readers aren’t grading you on spelling, grammar, or punctuation, just make your point. Do try to be clear though, if your grammar is so terrible that they can’t make heads/tails of what you’re trying to say, you’re probably in trouble…

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