How can I improve my essay?

How can I improve on my essay about Thunberg? I understand that I talk about fear, which was not in my thesis (I thought about it as I was writing my body paragraph). Should I have not written about fear or is changing my thesis an option? If I do one of those two options would I get a 4 on commentary and evidence? And how could I improve it even more to get the sophistication point? While writing my essay I was trying to get the sophistication point by connecting how Thunberg provokes fear by using the appeal to emotion AND logic so I was trying to connect those two devices. Thank you for all your helpful feedback!!

BTW my essay is the first one Brandon read.

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